thoughts on thirty

Resumen: Pensamientos sobre cumplir treinta años. La vida es diferente que lo que imaginaba cuando era una niña, pero más rica. Poco a poco dejo la ambición y crezco en amor.

Later this summer I'll turn thirty. Thirty, the age of the trite question to teenagers and college students: "Where do you see yourself at thirty?" (And so the unasked question to thirty-year-olds: Are you there yet?)

At thirty I'm a young scholar, a young mother, an aging ballet dancer, a not-yet-mature pianist, and still an infant in the eyes of the church.

The goals I'd hoped to achieve by thirty changed throughout my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. By thirty, I wanted to be...
(if asked at age 5) a ballerina, a fire-fighter and an astronaut, at the same time
(if asked at age 7) an author with at least 5 published books
(if asked at age 8) a principal dancer with a major ballet company
(if asked at age 14) a professional pianist/accompanist with a ballet school and/or musical theater company
(if asked at age 17) a parish pastor
(if asked at age 22) a parish pastor and/or theologian

It's kind of funny what happened with these goals. I never danced professionally unless you count dancing four roles in The Nutcracker in Ohio in exchange for a pair of pointe shoes (which were mostly consumed during the run of the show itself), at ages 20 and 21. I started writing for publication at age 22. I am now working as a professional pianist at a couple of ballet schools and at the Five Colleges. I've done the work of a parish pastor, although who knows when ordination will be a possibility. I'm in a Ph.D. program in theology and have turned out to be terrific at writing, pretty good at teaching, and enormously lousy at dealing with institutional things like committees and job searches. Given the guildlike nature of academia I have no idea if I'll ever have a career in it.

I seem to fulfill a given career goal only after I've moved on to trying to do something else.

I have never been ambitious about money--I've always been able to get by, whether by playing the piano or making bagel sandwiches, and getting by is all I aspire to financially. But all through childhood and adolescence I was very hung-up on professional ambition. If a dancer I had to be the BEST dancer. If a pianist I had to be the BEST pianist. If a preacher, the BEST preacher. Etcetera. Then at age 24 I realized something that made me in general far less ambitious, all of a sudden. I was working as a parish intern and had recently finished my M.Div. theology-concentration thesis. I had had a little bit of work as an accompanist here and there.

I realized that I'd already gotten to do everything I really wanted to do professionally. I'd preached, written theology, and by happenstance even done some dancing and music.

Everything since then has been more like play than like professional goal-seeking. Yes, ordination would be nice, and I will not give up on the work I do to seek change in that arena, but it's now on behalf of a whole lot of LGBT people and not a professional checkbox. Yes, I will finish my dissertation and all that. But my drive to finish the dissertation is now a drive to study and write and study and write because it's really really interesting.... not a drive to have Ph.D. after my name. When a church calls to find out if I can fill in on a given Sunday, my first thought is "preaching is awesome!" and not "ooo, I can make professional connections at this church."

I think this attitude works against me in some respects. The academic job search is going to be that much more difficult if I'm not particularly driven by the desire to get that awesome top-flight job and climb up the guild structure. But I think I like this better than my 21-year-old attitude.

And I've been able to do, and really enjoy, some things that the ambitious pros look down on as inferior occupations, such as directing a Sunday school and teaching piano lessons to kids. I loved directing a Sunday school and I love teaching piano lessons to kids! The people who think this is inferior are just silly. It would have been such a loss if ambition had prevented me from taking those opportunities seriously.

So what's the worst thing about turning thirty so far?

Hearing the Sisters of Mercy
on the classic rock station.

I took that really hard.

As long as they don't play Rasputina until I'm at least forty I don't have to die of shame....

on being slapped upside the head by the bible... again

Genesis 1.26-27:

Then God said, ‘Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.’
So God created humankind in his image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.

There's a range of theological opinion on what the imago dei could be. Usually we imagine it's some quality humans have, that animals don't, that makes us closer to God, and that distinguishes us in some all-important way from other creatures. Some say it's language, or reason, or love.

Then last night I noticed something: Nowhere in the text is there any indication that humans are the only creatures who are made in God's image.

How could I never have noticed this before?

Yet another way in which God's love is not a contest, I suppose.

Génesis 1:26-27

Y dijo Dios: Hagamos al hombre a nuestra imagen, conforme a nuestra semejanza; y ejerza dominio sobre los peces del mar, sobre las aves del cielo, sobre los ganados, sobre toda la tierra, y sobre todo reptil que se arrastra sobre la tierra.

Creó, pues, Dios al hombre a imagen suya, a imagen de Dios lo creó; varón y hembra los creó.

Hay varias opiniones teológicas sobre esta imagen de Dios. Usualmente imaginemos que la imagen es alguna calidad que los seres humanos tenemos, que los animales no tienen, que nos hace más cerca a Dios, que nos distingue de todas las otras criaturas. Se dice que la imagen de Dios es la razón, o el lenguaje, o el amor.

Pero anoche me dio cuenta de algo: El texto no dice, por ninguna parte, que las otras criaturas no tienen la imagen de Dios.

Y nunca se lo notaba yo. Jajaja.

Otra manera en que el amor de Dios no es una competencia.

08-b: celebrating change, deferring dreams

It feels like the Presbyterian Church is the lover who won't marry me.

The presbytery votes on changing G-6.0106b have been so promising. Places like west Texas, central Alabama, West Virginia, northern Oklahoma and western North Carolina have voted to approve this change, to make ordination standards dependent on a candidate's relationship to Christ and to Scripture, instead of sexual orientation. The only presbytery to move from progressive votes in the past to conservative votes this year was San Francisco (apparently a lot of people decided to skip the meeting to attend a conference out of town, so the presbytery wasn't represented fairly.)

Many presbyteries have yet to vote, including Southern New England where I now live and work. It's shaping up to be the closest margin yet since 1996 when G-6.0106b went into the book.

But as of this weekend, a majority of presbyteries have voted no. So no changes this year.

I have been a Christian since 1980 or 1995 (depending on how you count); called to ministry since 1995; an elder since 1996; working for churches in some capacity since 1997; in the preparation for ministry process since 2001. I love the church. I love it for who it is as the body of Christ, and I love it for its fallen, foolish human nature. And I love my denomination. I am not the kind of person who gets excited about institutional structures, but I love the Presbyterian Church. I love Calvin's theology and Midwestern Presbyterian grandmothers. I love the Presbyterian culture of Korea and Puerto Rico. I love the tribe of LGBT Presbyterians and allies who have been my heart's companions since I left the warm embrace of a loving and conservative church in order to come out and start seminary.

I am not alone. So many of us LGBT Presbyterians love the church, have lived in the church and worked for the church for a long time, and have been told once more, "We need you, but we won't legitimize you."

So we put the dream of legitimacy on hold once again. What doesn't end is our commitment to the church.

"We're not going anywhere." It's what we say to our little daughter when she's in a new place and worries that we'll abandon her. It's what lovers say to one another to express their commitment. It's what protesters say when confronted by police. "We're not going anywhere," we say with love, confrontation and commitment.

torture memos / notas de tortura

Four memos were released by the Obama administration two days ago. They document the Bush-era Office of Legal Counsel's approval of practices that can only be called torture. It appears that the Obama administration is calling for a thorough investigation before prosecuting any individuals.

El gobierno de Obama ha desclasificado cuatro notas el 16 de abril. Son de la Oficina de Consejo Jurídico del gobierno de Bush. Prueban su aprobación de prácticas que sólo pueden ser tortura. Aparece que el gobierno de Obama exige una investigación completa antes de perseguir a indivíduos.

The memos are online here: / Se puede leerlos aqui:
Aug 1 2002 - Jay Bybee to CIA
May 10, 2005 - Steven Bradbury to CIA
May 10, 2005 - Steven Bradbury to CIA
May 30, 2005 - Steven Bradbury to CIA

(I couldn't read the whole thing. I got through part of the first one and started crying.)

(No pude leerlos totalmente. Leí una parte del primero y empiecé a llorar.)

The release of the memos is heartbreaking and coldly comforting: heartbreaking because of the practices they document, coldly comforting because we all suspected this was happening, and because we all hoped the Obama government would be less secretive than its predecessor.

Es desgarrador, por razones obvias. Además hay algo de consuelo, porque todos sospechábamos que aquellas cosas estaban pasando, y porque todos esperábamos que el gobierno de Obama sería menos callado que su predecesor.

Although some people of unimpeachable principles are very upset at Obama's unwillingness to prosecute immediately, I remember Abu Ghraib and have a different opinion. With Abu Ghraib, a few individuals were prosecuted as scapegoats, "bad apples," for what was really an evil committed by a much larger system. Torture was (I pray we can say "was") an evil committed by a whole government and cannot be blamed on a few individuals. Whatever the process for prosecuting a whole government together, that is what we should be pursuing; and certainly a "thorough investigation" is necessary for that.

Aunque algunas personas de principios altos están muy disgustados al actitud de Obama (que no quiere perseguir a nadie inmediatamente), yo recuerdo a Abu Ghraib y tengo una opinión distinta. Después de Abu Ghraib unos indivíduos fueron perseguidos como chivos expiatorios por una maldad hecho por un sístema mucho más grande. La tortura era (que podamos decir "era") una maldad hecho por un gobierno entero, no unos indivíduos. Lo que sea el proceso por perseguir a un gobierno entero, eso es lo que debemos hacer, y es obvio que una "investigación completa" sea necesaria.

However, the supposedly communicative White House blog and website have said nothing, but nothing, about the torture memos that I can find. (I found out through friends, the NRCAT and the ACLU.) The executive order banning torture is still up there. Will Obama stick to it? If he doesn't, I won't know why I voted for him.

Sin embargo, no hay nada de nada sobre las notas de tortura en el sitio ni el blog de whitehouse.gov que yo puedo encontrar. (Las averigué gracias a amigos, el NRCAT y ACLU.) El orden que prohiba la tortura todavía está. ¿Lo realizará Obama? Si no, no sabré por qué voté por él.

Our country is founded not on a common ethnic origin, nor in a single religion, but in shared values and the practice of democracy. Torture is the antithesis of everything that should be important to us U.S. citizens. It can't be possible to talk hither and thither about torture as if it were a morally complex issue.

Nuestro país tiene sus fondos no en un orígen étnica, ni una sola religión, sino en valores compartidos y la práctica de la democracia. La tortura es el antítesis a todo que debe ser importante a nosotros estadounidenses. No sea posible hablar por aquí y por allá sobre la tortura, como si fuera moralmente compleja.

la santa indecente - 2 - por qué la teología necesita una crítica sexual

Summary: "Why theology needs a sexual critique" -- Althaus-Reid argues that sexuality is always an issue in theology, and theologians ignore their own sexual ideologies at their peril. In the Americas, sexual ideology was part and parcel of conquest, as missionaries imposed monogamous marriage on polygamous societies, thus tearing up the social fabric and rendering resistance much more difficult. Liberation theologians (Dussel is her focus here) argue against oppression and even argue against oppression of women within marriage, but oddly they then turn around and call feminism and homosexuality a rejection of diversity. Finally, Althaus-Reid asks why there is not more of a critical feminist voice in Latin American theology, and suggests that in the eyes of liberation theology women are mostly reduced to their ability to be mothers. This is a reading and commentary on "Let Them Talk...! Doing Liberation Theology from Latin American Closets" in Liberation Theology and Sexuality; Althaus-Reid also presents similar arguments in other publications.

Un comentario sobre el artículo de Marcella Althaus-Reid "Let Them Talk ...! Doing Liberation Theology from Latin American Closets" (¡Déjales hablar! Haciendo la teología de liberación desde armarios latinamericanos) en Liberation Theology and Sexuality (La teología de liberación y la sexualidad). Otros artículos en otros publicaciones, como "Outing Theology," "Theology and Queer Theory" y "Queer I Stand" presentan argumentos similares.

Althaus-Reid empieza con una experiencia de 1992. Un grupo LGBT se marchó en solidaridad con unos grupos en apoyo de los derechos humanos, para mostrar el vínculo entre la homofóbia y la represión militar. Pero otros activistas sostenieron que los "maricones" socavan toda la lucha. ¿Cómo es posible que una teología tan inteligente no vea su propria ideología sexual?

Sugiere tres puntos olvidados pero importantes por la teología en las Americas: (1) la reflexión sobre las culturas sexuales y económicos de los indígenos; (2) que Dussel ha tratado del deseo capitalista y el deseo homosexual como si fueran la misma cosa; (3) el desarollo de la teología femenista de la liberación que es complementaria, no crítica.

En las Americas el proceso de colonizar y evangelizar era un proceso sexual. Para los europeos imponer una estructura de poder era imponer una estructura del matrimonio monógamo. Tales matrimonios rompieron las familias indígenas en fragmentos, y hizo la conquista mucho más fácil. Cuando los indígenos resistieron, resistieron en términos del matrimonio: que prefieron luchar contra los españoles que dejar a sus esposas y niños, sus familias polígamas.

En mi rebusca sobre las reducciones jesuíticas (una investigación inspirada en parte por Althaus-Reid), hay mucho apoyo por tales declaraciones. En los diarios de Ruiz de Montoya, por ejemplo, sus esfuerzos a evangelizar son sobre el matrimonio, acaso más que sobre Jesucristo. Montoya sabe que alguien se ha convertido... cuando reza por primera vez? cuando aprende el credo? cuando entrega su corazón a Jesús? No: cuando deja a las concubinas y las esposas sino una. Esto parece la doctrina más importante a la fe cristiana. Debe perturbar a cada creyente monoteista.

Sobre Dussel, otros pueden comentar--no le he leído mucho. Althaus-Reid observa que sus opiniones sobre el género y el matrimonio luchan contra la opresión dentro de un matrimonio. Pero según él, curiosamente, la homosexualidad y el femenismo "niegan la diversidad sexual." (¿Tuvieramos mejor diversidad si todo el mundo fuera heterosexual y todas las mujeres se callaran?)

La falta de una teología femenista que es crítica tiene varias razones, según Althaus-Reid:
- el movimiento escogió en un momento no estudiar "asuntos menores" como el género y la sexualidad;
- las curas son hombres y no tienen la ocasión para mucha reflexión sobre la sexualidad;
- una estereotipo que solamente madres pueden ser "mujeres en realidad"; y no hay un discurso sobre cuales hombres son "hombres en realidad". Entonces las teólogas, quienes estudian y viajan pero acaso no tienen hijos, no son "mujeres en realidad" y no son importantes.

Tenemos una problema en la teología cristiana, y no solamente en la teología de la liberación, si olvidamos que una mujer es más de su habilidad de ser madre. Como madres, queremos a nuestros hijos con todo el corazón. Pero si alguien quiere conocernos, hay más que conocer que "somos madres." Tenemos mentes, intereses, vocaciones, amistades, faltas y pecados, y (¡debe ser lo más importante para la teología!) fe en Cristo... con ninguna enlace necesaria a nuestra maternidad.

Podemos preguntar si Althaus-Reid tiene razón; aunque hay estereotipos y perjuicios, también hay muchas mujeres escribiendo la teología femenista en un estilo muy crítico, incluso mujeres enseñando en universidades en Centroamerica y Sudamerica (Elsa Tamez, Graciela Chamorro). Claro que Althaus-Reid lo sabe, porque tales mujeres contribuyeron artículos en la misma volumen.

like mother, like daughter / como la madre, como la hija

Ya sabe que nunca se lee solamente un libro a la vez.

She already knows you don't read only one book at one time.

la santa indecente - 1. introduction of stories / introducción de historias

Castellano abajo. NB: las citas son de Indecent Theology en inglés; el libro existe en castellano (La teologia indecente), pero no pude adquirirlo aquí.

Marcella Althaus-Reid's theology is filled with stories. The stories present an incarnate theology of the judgment and love of God shown most completely in the people considered indecent by their communities. As an introduction to her work, I present a few beauties, all from Indecent Theology: Theological Perversions in Sex, Gender and Politics. (Routledge, 2000)

"The Santerias of Buenos Aires display statues and stamps of a young woman who looks like the Virgin Mary, yet she is crucified and her body hangs from the cross, reminding us of Jesus. She is called Santa Librada, and her worship is very popular amongst the poor urban people of Buenos Aires. As in the case of the Virgin Mary or Jesus, there are prayers and rituals associated with her (Christian) worship, prayer cards, candles and the customary novenas with the 'Our Father,' 'Hail Mary' and 'Glorias' at the end of the prayer.
... Some people would say that Librada is the crucified Woman Christ of the poor; others tend to see her as a crucified Virgin Mary. Who is Librada? She is not Christa, the crucified Christ woman icon of the Anglican Cathedral of New York. Christa is the iconic image of a female Christ without ambiguity; Librada is the popular ambiguous divine cross-dresser of the poor, the unstable image of a Christ dressed as a Mary. Librada as a cross between Christ and the Virgin Mary is a much sought after icon. ... Librada is neither Jesus nor Mary, but a dress, a cross and superficial gender challenges which present us with a pattern of divine transvestism.
... Librada's worship has originated around legal and social transgression. ... The prayer to Santa Librada I am referring to simply says: 'Santa Librada, librame de esta disparada' (Santa Librada, liberate me from this flight (from the police.)) The prayer is short and rhymes well in Spanish; it is a protective formula. The life of the poor is filled with enemies. Loneliness means not only lack of love but lack of support in the community and help, therefore it is an 'enemy.' Lack of jobs, health problems are all perceived as enemies from which one needs protection and Librada protects those who cross legal boundaries in acting to fulfil these necessities. That is the starting point for her worship; acts of legal transgression where Christ or Mary cannot be invoked for protection. Yet the crossing of legal boundaries requires also the crossing of other, divine boundaries and new forms of legitimisation. If transvestism is a category crisis (Garber 1992: 16), it operates by making obvious (on the surface; at the level of dressing) that there is a 'conflict somewhere' on the ground of culture and religiosity which, for instance, destabilises the system." (79-81)

"It is a well-known fact that some Christian agencies prefer to help boys in the streets rather than girls, because girls are more complicated. They get pregnant, have babies, and require far more effective attention than boys in relation to sexual abuse. ... The children of the poor are seldom treated with the same standards as other children. Their sexual stories receive no theological attention either, although theological sexual stories reinforce, for instance, virginity as institutionalized idealism, where the woman is responsible for its preservation. Once the little girl has been abused, she cannot be physically redeemed of that. In theology virginity is a category more closely connected with the control of sexuality rather than with respect." (137)

"Suddenly, the market was inundated by theological books, Latin American crosses, articles in journals and indigenous music: it was a receptive market. Meanwhile, European theologians, professional and amateur, booked trips to Brazil, Argentina, Chile and Central America. They came and asked us where were the communities of the poor? The demand was so high that at times we needed to produce Christian communities on demand for the foreigners. I even found myself in the situation of being called on to be part of a popular Bible study group for the benefit of a bishop from abroad visiting Buenos Aires. ... I remember the absurdity of that bishop addressing me with the evident satisfaction of a man talking with a native woman whom he presumed was illiterate, simple and poor but with a strong faith. In fact, I was a university student and if I was very poor, it was not through the lack of a job (I had two at that time) but hyperinflation. Moreover, I was an indecent woman. The sort that at that time, when the military regime was promoting family values, had decided not to marry, but to live on her own and to love a gay man. However, even the authentic illiterate and poor in the group were carefully responding and covering other people's faux pas in order to give a good impression, that is, the colonial image of Liberation Theology." (26)

La teología de Marcella Althaus-Reid está llena de historias. Las historias presentan una teología encarnada de el juicio y el amor de Dios, demostrado más completamente en la gente más indecentes según sus comunidades. Para introducir su pensamiento, presento unas bellas, todos de La teología indecente (Bellaterra, 2005)--aquí estoy traduciendo del inglés.

"Las Santerias de Buenos Aires muestran estatuas y sellos de una mujer joven que parece la Virgen, pero está crucificada y su cuerpo está colgada de la cruz, recordándonos de Jesús. Se llama Santa Librada, y su culto es muy popular entre la gente pobre de Buenos Aires. Como la Virgen o Jesús, hay oraciones y rituales asociados con su culto (cristiano), cartas de oración, velas y las novenas de costumbre con el "Padre Nuestro," "Dios te salve María" y "Gloria" al fin de la oración.
...Algunos dirían que Librada es la Crista crucificada de los pobres; otros la verán como una Virgen crucificada. ¿Quién es Librada? No es "Christa," el icono de una mujer como una Crista crucificada en el catedral anglicano de Nueva York. "Christa" es la imagen de una Crista sin ambiguedad; Librada es el travesti ambiguo y popular de los pobres, la imagen inestable de un Cristo vestido como una María. Librada ni es Jesús ni María, pero un vestido, una cruz y desafíos superficiales de género que nos presentan un ejemplo de travestismo divino.
...El culto de Librada ha empezado acerca de transgresión legal y social. ... La oración a Santa Librada que cito dice simplemente: "Santa Librada, librame de esta disparada." La oración es corta y rima bien; es una formula de protección. La vida de los pobres está llena de enemigos. La soledad significa no sólo la falta de amor pero la falta de apoyo en la comunidad y socorro, entonces sí es un "enemigo." La falta de puestos, los problemas de salud, todos parecen enemigos de quienes se necesita la protección y Librada protege a los que cruzan líneas legales mientras actuen para cumplir sus necesidades. Es el punto inicial para su culto; actos de trasgresión donde no se puede invocar a Jesús ni María para protección. Pero el cruzar de líneas legales necesita también cruzar otros líneas divinas y formas nuevas de la legitimación. Si el travestismo es un crisis de categorías (Garber 1992: 16), funciona por hacer obvio (al superficie; al nivel de vestirse) que hay un conflicto en algún lugar en el fondo de la cultura y la religiosidad que, por ejemplo, hace inestable el sistema." (79-81)

"Es un hecho bien conocido que algunas agencias cristianas prefieren ayudar a los chicos en la calle más bien que las chicas, porque las chicas son más complejas. Se quedan embarazadas, paren a niños, y necesitan atención mucho más efectiva que los niños en el asunto del abuso sexual ... Los niños de los pobres no se tratan con los mismos normas como otros niños. Sus historias sexuales no reciben atención teológica, aunque las historias sexuales de la teología refuerzan, por ejemplo, la virginidad como idealismo institucionalizado, donde la mujer es responsable por su protección. Cuando la chica pequeña ha sido abusada, no puede ser redimida de eso fisicamente. En la teología, la virginidad es una categoría más vinculada con el dominio sobre la sexualidad que con el respeto." (137)

"De repente, el mercado se inundó con libros teológicos, cruces latinoamericanas, artículos en revistas académicas y música típica: era un mercado receptivo. Mientras tanto, los teólogos de Europa, profesionales y aficionados, viajaron a Brazil, Argentina, Chile y Centroamerica. Vinieron y nos preguntaron ¿dónde quedan las comunidades de los pobres? La demanda estaba tan alta que a veces necesitamos producir a comunidades cristianas especialmente para los extranjeros. Me encontré en la situación de ser pedida de participar en un grupo popular del estudio de la Biblia por el bien de un obispo extranjero quien estaba visitando a Buenos Aires. ... Recuerdo la absurdidad de ese obispo dirigiéndose a mí con la satisfacción evidente de un hombre hablando con una mujer indígena quien (supone) era analfabeta, sencilla y pobre pero con una fe fuerte. En realidad, era una estudiante de la universidad y si era pobre, no era por la falta de un puesto (tenía dos a ese momento) pero la hiperinflación. Además, era una mujer indecente. La clase que a ese momento, cuando la régimen militar promovía valores familiares, ha decidido de no casarse, sino vivir sola y amar a un hombre homosexual. Sin embargo, incluso los más autenticamente analfabetos y pobres en el grupo estaban contestando con cuidado y cubriendo a los falsos pasos de otros para dar una impresión buena, es decir, la imagen colonial de la teología de la liberación." (26)